Friday, January 11, 2013

Zombi 2

I'd like to preface my first review with a couple points. First of all, I am by no means an expert in film, but I have seen more movies than I've seen meals and I eat 3 meals a day. Secondly, I seem to have very unpopular views, so feel free to disagree with anything I say. Just because I don't care for a movie, doesn't mean you shouldn't keep on enjoying if you can. I like a lot of hated movies. Lastly, I'm not just going to review bad movies and talk shit about them, I'll leave that duty to the good people at TGWTG. I plan on doing random reviews of the wide variety of movies I watch. By extension, I'm not just going to review movies people like and bash them, although that is exactly how I'm going to start with...

This fuckin' movie, man. I just don't know. Most people I've met who had seen this movie said they liked it, loved it even and every time my first question is: "Did you see it?" This movie might be considered a "classic"  zombie movie by some and it even launched it's director Lucio Fulci into international fame, but I reeeaally don't care for it. I actually like Lucio Fulci and his other movies, in fact Don't Torture a Duckling is probably my favorite Giallo flick. I'm also a huge fan of Italian horror and I love gore with all my heart and all the other organs I love seeing ripped out and eaten in movies. So, you'd think with my taste, this movie would be perfect for me! The problem is: I have seen it. God damn, have I seen it. Zombie or Zombi 2 or Zombie Flesh Eaters (Don't you hate alternate titles?) actually starts off pretty strong. The intro is intriguing and the first scene on the boat is kind of cool, but shortly thereafter, you come to realize why this movie isn't very good, it's as dull as printer paper. I'd say no less than 80% of this movie is pure bullshit. I consider this to be the "Toho monster movie" of zombie flicks, in that the parts with the monster or monsters (In this case zombies. Actually, no. The equivalent in this movie are the gore effects) are great and actually entertaining, but the vast majority of the movie is total filler. Really bad filler, too. The part where the lady gets pulled into the piece of wood? That's awesome! The part where the cast is on the boat looking for the island? Boring as shit! The part where the Gargantuas fight each other in Tokyo? So cool! The part where the lounge singer spends 3 long minutes singing an entire awful song start to finish? Practically unbearable! See what I mean? It baffles me in movie like those, where the creators or perpetrators depending on you point of view, know full well they're going to have mostly "plot" in their movies , but don't put any effort towards making it good or engaging or interesting or even worth watching. Let's talk about how this is was made to be somewhat of a sequel to George A. Romero's classic (Notice the lack of quotation marks this time) Night of the Living Dead. It kind of puzzles me whenever I consider that this was made to be a sequel to it, because whereas that movie had well written characters that reflected humanity and whom you actually cared about, I don't even know the names of the main characters from Zombi 2! I only know them as the reporter guy, the girl who didn't show her tits also known as Tisa Farrow, but more often known as Mia Farrow's sister, the girl who showed her tits, her husband: Jeremiah Johnson (By the way, I'm glad to see he found a new wife after what happened to Swan), and Dr. Probably A Character Actor. I've seen this film 3 times now and this is still how I have to refer to them. I couldn't wait for these people to die, not because they were so bad or annoying, but because they don't do anything! All they do is spout pointless, forgettable, extremely contrived dialogue or occasionally react to a zombie or two. The zombies, by the way, range vastly in quality. It's kind of like how in The Hobbit the cgi went from looking great to looking like it was straight out of a PS2 game. Some of the zombies, such as the one from the poster look cool and rotted, but others look like they just came from the set of Zombie Lake. Speaking of inconsistency, why is it that in all zombie movies, even the good ones, the rate at which people who are bitten turn into zombies is totally dependent on dramatic convenience? I guess I answered my own question. Anyway, aside from looking good or bad, the zombies in this movie aren't really very terrifying. I can't really place why, but they're just not as intimidating as the ones in NOTD, despite killing people much more graphically. I know I keep bringing up the original, but y'know what? That's Lucio Fulci's fault! He didn't have to make this a sequel, it could have been a standalone movie, but he knew it would be more profitable to tag it on the coat tails of one of the greatest horror movies ever. The last complaint I have for this movie is somewhat minor, but it's always bothered me. They never explain why the zombies are rising! They don't exactly explain why in Night of the Living Dead either, but in that film they were too busy trying to survive to have time to do very much pondering. In this one, they spend an extended amount of time discussing it, implying it to be voodoo, and they even mention an evil witch doctor who is never seen nor mentioned ever again. Wouldn't that have been nice to see? But, no. They had to make room for more chuffa and god forbid your movie be any longer than an hour and a half.  The only parts of this movie I like that didn't feature any awesome gory practical effects, are, of course, the infamous scene where the zombie fights the shark (Seriously. I have to give credit where credit is due; whoever thought of that is a borderline genius)and when Lucas (The only character whose name I know because he constantly refers to himself in the third person) turns into a zombie and attacks the girl who didn't show her tits and the reporter guy misses a few shots trying kill Lucas. I'm always bothered in movies where a character gets a gun for presumably the first time and is instantly a perfect shot. I suppose the ending is good too, but the next time someone tells me they like this movie, I'm going to demand they sit down and watch it again.

Overall I give this movie 4 wood-pierced eyeballs out of 10.

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